It's a curious thing, but for the past few nights I've been waking up at exactly 3:32am every night. I was beginning to think it was only insomnia due to the stress of so many changes these past few weeks.
This has been going on since about Wednesday. I would wake up and after observing the time would roll over and literally coax myself back to sleep within seven minutes.
I told this to my fiance a night ago, joking, "I'm not letting insomnia beat me."
I was surprised when he questioned, "Are you sure it's insomnia? Do you think it could be God wanting to talk to you?"
I was a little surprised but not taken aback; I could believe that! BUT I forgot his suggestion within time.
But tonight, right on the dot of 3:32am, I opened my eyes and remembered; I decided today just to run with it and see what would happen if I stayed up. I am so glad I did! At first, I battled an intense spirit of fear (as I usually do since I moved here). But after I was able to overcome that, I picked up my Bible.
I knew what chapter to turn to because today I had met with my Discipleship group one last time to finalize my dismissal from school. They took the time to prophesy and pray over me and afterwards one of my leaders said, "Oh yes! James is the book for you in this season."
So I started reading it tonight...and I couldn't put it down! For anything! I read all 5 chapters as if I had never read them before. I began a dialogue with the Lord on verses that struck chords in my heart. He dealt with me about trust in Him when I cry out for wisdom, about not being jealous, but especially about not slandering. I repented a lot for doing that in my offense towards others when they hurt me with their words or actions.
And I am determined to change; I don't want to slander others anymore. And this includes myself.
Earlier today, one of the sweet girls in my group had come up to me and said, "I think you need to start proclaiming the truths we prophesied over you because there is life and death in the words you speak." Wouldn't you know James 3 was all about this? So I started speaking truths over my life.
As I started doing this, I got a picture in my mind's eye with me sitting on top of a horse and with every word I spoke over myself (such as "I am beautiful; I am a warrior; I am strong,") the horse I was on moved in the direction I wanted it to. That is a picture in the book of James about bridling the horse's mouth and being able to control its entire body this way.
I think God is really highlighting this truth over my life. For so many years, I've cursed myself and my body and my abilities...but God is reversing this curse the more I force my perspective on myself to change. I'm telling you, you can even feel a differance in your walk when you aren't always condemning yourself.
Anyway, let's just say the book of James had an answer to every question that was in my heart. And it opened up new questions to talk with God about.
After I finished reading this I just felt at rest in my heart. And since I love country music but didn't feel like listening to anything put out by mainstream artists (I wanted to keep my focus on God) I started listening to John Mark McMillian (his music has a country flair in my opinion). It spoke in volumes to me! It touched points on the condition of my heart and its current cry. I hope you enjoy it and it ministers to you as much as it has to me.
Chase me down like a lion
Like a bird of prey
Lift me up from the ashes
Of my hearts own shallow grave
Cause I know that I love You
But sometimes I'm afraid
Whoa oh
Spare my body from the wolves, God
That crouch down at my door
Lift me up above the waters
And the sharks that guard Your shore
Cause I know that I need You
But sometimes I know it more
Whoa oh
Harbor me in the eye of the storm
I'm holding on to the love yYou swore
Sincerely,
~Rose
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