So not only am I exhausted and still feeling dehydratred, he's in pain from these hyve-like itchy bumps that are burning his arms, causing him much pain and discomfort (his family calls it the Cuddles Syndrome, named after a similiar allergic reaction to an old pet guinea pig named Cuddles).
Do you know how difficult it is to want to take care of the one you love so badly, but can't because you're nearly 1,000 miles a part?
It really sucks.
But I made a determination, as I stared gloom in the face, that I woudn't get mopey in wanting our circumstances to change; instead, we would make the best of it. It's true I can't kiss his forehead and tell him everything will be okay and he can't wrap me in his arms until I feel better (literally, he can't they hurt too much lol). But I wouldn't trade this time, or any other moments with him (even if they are over the phone) for anything. There truly are ways to skirt around distance if you try hard enough (that's one of the reasons people who claim Long Distance Relationships are impossible really frustrate me; if you truly love somebody, nothing can seperate you as far as I'm concerned, not even distance).
With that ramble cast amidst this gumbo pot of thoughts, I can't help but reflect on how blessed I truly am. This isn't meant to sound cheesy but is complete honestly when I say I probably have the last greatest and virteous guys left on the planet. He truly is amazing, gentle, sweet, caring--a near perfect representation of everything I've ever prayed for or imagined since I was little. He embodies the verse, "Husbands, love your wives like Christ loves the church."
Not only that, but I have it made with the obvious it takes very little to please him: Quality time, quality affection and quality guns. :P
Serioously, I giggled at the thought earlier this afternoon that his birthdays after we get married are going to be a snap. Screw parties, suits and expensive trips across the globe. Instead of stressing out over what to get him, how to present it, etc. all I need is $500 to the gun shop to pick out whatever he wants, a berry chantilly cake and a cute nightgown--I'm pretty sure he would be one happy camper with the gun alone.
I try not to blah about all of my giddy feelings about this relationship, but when you've spenty plenty of sick hours contemplating on everything you always wanted and now have, it's hard not to feel those familiar butterflies. I'm always thinking about how the Bible says, "We aren't promised tomorrow," and I want to keep that at the forefront of my mind as the years go by and the monarchs have flown away.
I'm pretty sure Matthew's career-of-choice will end up being Federal Agent or Security Guard. Which is good, he would be perfect at it! And it's not like it's the #1 most dangerous job in America, but you are still willing to take a bullet for the person you are protecting. And I know Matt, when he has a job he gives 110% of himself to it. That right there is a sobering reality to keep my offenses against him short and to always say, "I love you," before walking away for the day or hanging up the phone (which is something he taught me).
I'll never forget the day we were apologizing to each other after the most insignificant but huge argument we ever had. It was over the dumbest thing (so dumb, I don't even remember what it was about) and we raised our voices and said hurtful things. I remember him saying to me with tears in his eyes and that shaky voice, "Rose, I don't want to ever hang up the phone without saying I love you again. I can't bear the thought of being angry at you and that's the last thing either of us get to remember or say to each other. Can we just always say I love you, no matter what? I don't want to take you for granted."
That one sweet remark changed my perspective from then on. I try to raise my voice less, try to apologize first and quickly...I always try to remember I don't know if the moments we are talking will be our last, forcing me to value them more.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not living my life in fear and dread of loosing him--I just value our times together so much more. My disposition isn't sobering and spiritual everytime we are together--actually, we try to laugh about life more then stress about it. And the mentality of valuing moments more doesn't stop us from working on problems or voicing our opinions when we disagree--I'm just learning there is a right way to get my point across gently without hurting other people.
I can't help but admit this relationship has taught me so many drastic things--from learning to communicate properly, to learning how to love daily, even when that person screws up big time, or doesn't always see it your way (when you could swear on the Dolly Lama you are the one who is right *cough, cough*).
I could go on and on and on and on about it but I don't see a need to ramble too much anymore. But I will say this: as difficult as a long distance relationship has been for us, I cannot help but feel it has created a mature foundation for us to stand on. Due to contrary belief that we are just lovesick puppies that have no grasp on reality and the honeymoon feelings will fade soon, I have news for you: we have been through some serious shiza in our relationship. I was there when he had a job, I was there when he didn't. We've been able to afford $200 splurge days, we've been through not even able to afford a bottle of aleve for aches and pains. He's put up many smiles charging his credit card for me and many tears because he couldn't help cover basic needs in tough times.
We've bonded spiritually, we made mistakes, we made right choices, we confronted opposition from those we love most, but prevailed in the end. We've fought, we've said hurtful things, we've repented. We've felt the pure bliss of joy at finding love. Everything I've mentioned is what makes our relationship deeper then most. I've learned to value and treasure my soon-to-be-spouse in a way I don't think I would have had we not gone through all we have or been seperated for over half a year.
But the best part of all that is, Matthew isn't just the guy I'm going to marry who can give me provision and kids. He's my best friend who knows everything about me...and loves it. All my dark secrets, all my ticks and tocks, all the things that make me pleased and the things that make me cry. He knows how I react under pressure and pain, he knows my breaking point, and I him...and the amazing thing about that is we are able to love each other through it and despite it.
And I firmly believe we will always be stronger as one then we could ever be as two. And for the rest of my days I will love him with all the love God allows me to give him--no more and most certainly no less.
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